I’m lying in my crappy tent that I ditched a few days ago because it kept falling down on me and the rain fly doesn’t actually fit the tent. But I’m lying in it because it’s lighter than the one I bought to replace it…the one I also ditched a few days ago. So, here we are.
By now you’ve likely read, or heard, that my LT companion, Julia/Big Animal, has left the trail. It was hard saying goodbye to her, and last night was a pretty crummy night. And, if I’m honest, this morning was pretty shitty as well. The truth is, I don’t know why I’m out here anymore. Do I want to be out here on my own? There’s a reason why everyone I meet on the trail is in their 20s…or retired. What do I think I’m doing? And why am I doing it???
I’ve thought about this a lot today. I got started on this journey because the last year has really sucked. It was a bad year. And I lost myself in it. I got so caught up on everything that was happening TO me, that I forgot that I could actually make things happen on my own. And in losing myself, my kids lost me and my husband lost me. Every day a since has felt like a struggle, and I’ve felt distant from everyone because of how distant I’ve been from myself. So I made this plan to come out here into the woods to get back to my roots. This is where I feel whole, and calm, and where everything in my head just shuts off. I thought I’d come out here to reconnect with myself, so that in turn I could reconnect with my family and my life. But now I’m out here, nearly 40 years old and surrounded my 20-somethings who run circles around me. And who are literally joking about 4-20 right now and laughing and all I can do is sit in my crappy tent and mope. I can’t even bring myself to go out and make friendly conversation… that’s not why I’m here.
So I made a plan last night to just push through. I’d go as far as I could, every day, and try to finish by my cut off date. Julia and I had planned our trip in two 2-week runs so I could still make my training in Maine in between. But am I honestly going to come back out for another two weeks on my own? No. So I’d have to finish now.
But that will suck. I’m looking at 18-20ish mile days. I’m looking at “grinding it” (a term Julia and I learned on our third day from a group of first year college students on break) over Mansfield and Camels Hump and Jay Peak. That all sounds terrible.
So then I thought, could I “grind it” for these next few days so I can take it easy as I get further north? Sure, I thought! Let’s give that a try!
I met today with the idea of attempting 19 miles AFTER a resupply…and that doesn’t include the 4 miles to actually get to the resupply. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Instead, I finished the day with 18 miles under my belt, and that brings us back to my mope-session in my crappy tent.
It wasn’t a terrible 18 miles- it was a terrible last 3 miles. But this morning I summited Bromley (gorgeous at 8am), and then I followed that with three other peaks. I think my favorite was Baker Peak. It was a crazy rock scramble to the top, and then gorgeous views. I really like crazy rock scrambles.
From there, it was mainly all downhill…literally. So it should have been fine. I took a break in a huge, rushing river…hiked through bear territory singing Ani Difranco at the top of my lungs (so as not to creep up on any bears and scare them/me)…and honestly I didn’t see another soul until I got closer to my campsite. Now I’m camped next to a gorgeous pond (Little Rock Pond) and my body is basically broken from pushing it to this point. Julia, you’ll be happy to hear that now MY thigh is numb with burning pain if I lift it!
I’ve thought a lot about my family, too. Do I want to be out here, away from them, on my own? It was different when I was with a friend- it was more like a fun vacation. Now I’m just out here. Is this really going to make me a better parent? A better wife?
On top of all of this, thru-hiking the LT has been a dream of mine for as long as I’ve lived in Vermont. And to think about walking away from it ‘makes my soul feel crushed. I don’t want to abandon ship- I want to keep going. I don’t want to walk away. In fact, when I got to camp today and threw myself on the ground, a friendly ATer chuckled and said, “That’s how we all felt in Georgia.” I replied, “Dead? And questioning everything?” He smiled, “Yes. Just make sure you finish because it will feel amazing.”
I’ve talked to a few of you and have heard many of you say that I should stick it out and rock this hike- “you got this!” I’ve also heard some of you say that it’s okay if I bail and that no one will judge me for it. Well, I’ll probably judge me for it…but I know that’s something I’d just need to get over. But I think the best advice I got came from my own husband, and I think I’m going to listen to him. Clint said to me last night, through my sobs, “you just need to take it one day, and one night at a time. Get through the night, and if you do, get through the next day. And if you get through the next day, then get through the next night. Keep doing that until you don’t want to do it anymore. And I’ll come get you any time you want to leave. Except for next Wednesday- I can’t get you next Wednesday.”
I don’t know that Clint has ever given me such good advice, and his words really struck a cord. He doesn’t want me to leave, because he knows this is good for me and where I need to be right now. As hard as this is for him and the kids, he wants me to keep going until I literally feel like I can’t go any further. So that’s what I’m going to do. Except screw these “summit 4 peaks” days…this was insane and not what my body can handle any more at “my age.” But it can handle a lot- and I can handle a lot. So I’m going to get through tonight and if I’m able to move in the morning, I’ll get through the day, as well. And if I need to come back for a few days after Maine to finish the trail, fine. I can handle that.
So you can see that there has been a lot going on in my head today…and I suspect the next week or so will be pretty similar. Hopefully by the time I am finished with the trail, I’ll have it ALL figured out. π
On a side note, as I start this new chapter of my LT journey, it’s only fitting that I was unintentionally bestowed with a new trail name today. As I put my pack on today after my resupply, and placed my red pack cover over it to keep it dry, my friend said, “you look like a ladybug!” It’s perfect, because I saw a ladybug on my very first day out here and took a picture of it for my mom. We are absolutely positive that my grandfather came back as a ladybug (18 years ago???), so this name couldn’t be any better. And it made me think that maybe I should keep going. So I’m still wearing my glitter every day, don’t worry about that, Julia and Laura- but I’m not feeling as “mighty” right now, so this change is welcomed. I’m sure my “mighty” will come back soon enough, and at that point I’ll have to combine the two names for one super-human amazing name for the finish.
I don’t have any service, so this won’t be posted tonight, and I can’t upload any of the gorgeous pictures that I took today- so I’ll get those us ASAP. In the meantime, I’m going to view every vista, overlook every overlook, and take all the pictures in the world so I can remind myself exactly why the hell I’m out here.
Happy trails,
Ladybug