Rest Day Schmest Day

Actually, it’s been freaking awesome. Did I mention that yesterday morning I woke up to a SLUG in my boot?? Man, I took one look at that and almost chucked my boot into the pond. That was it for me.

But today, I woke up after sleeping in a BED that didn’t smell like a sweet blend of sweat, deet and privy, and cooked some eggs for breakfast. I spent some time planning the next few days, and even got up to Burlington to spend some time at my favorite spot, Outdoor Gear Exchange.

After discussing my numb leg and tingling arm, I was fitted for a new pack and sent on my way with best wishes for the rest of my trip. New bug spray, new pack- I feel like a million bucks.

After a lattes and an hour at OGE, I was fortunate enough to be asked on a lunch date to my other favorite spot, Two Brothers Tavern in Middlebury. Bloody Mary’s, laughing, French fries…honestly… you had me at Bloody Mary’s.

It has been so nice to see Clint and the boys- so refreshing. And I’ve watched the mountains all day. There have been moments where the sun and the clouds were both so perfectly aligned along the mountains that I could see every crevasse. They look so beautiful fro down here and I keep staring at them, longingly, knowing in my core how different life is in the mountains…how trivial everything other than pure survival seems. I realize that it’s been over a week that I’ve felt anger or anything stronger than agitation. I realize that my neck hasn’t been aching in days. I realize that I feel refreshed and happy…excited, even. I don’t know that I’ve been excited in months.

Back to reality and I’m looking at a living room full of gear and resupply bins. I’m thinking about nights on my own- days on my own. I feel nervous and worried. I’m wondering if what I’m doing is okay…if leaving my kids and husband is okay. “Is this okay???” I keep asking them.

Clint has been nothing but supportive. He WANTS me to do this. He has listened to me cry and despair over my many reasons why it is, or is not, okay to leave the kids for a few days- or weeks- to do this. “What if this is the last dinner I make them? What if they can never eat strawberry shortcake again because this is what I made them the night before I was attacked by a bear?” “Really? When was the last time someone was attacked by a bear on the Long Trail?” He asks me. “Siri, when was the last time someone was attacked by a bear on the Long Trail in Vermont?” “If attacked by a bear in Vermont, fight back,” Siri says. “WTF, Siri…” I mutter.

Then I practically beg the kids to tell me that they don’t want me to go. “Seriously, I WON’T go if you don’t want me to!” “Who cares?” (Sam, obviously). Ty states that he just wants me to be there for graduation, because he knows they’re going to sing a song that I love (shout out to Golden Girls theme song….hell yes, Bridge school. Hell yes…).

I feel like this last year stole something from me- like it made everything I worked so hard for… less remarkable. And for some reason I felt, “well, if I can’t be exactly who I want to be right now, at least I can do this.” This was my mentality. And this mentality helped me get my doctorate…my black belt…my life as I know it…so obviously this mentality would help me achieve this goal, as well. If my life wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be, then I would make all the shit worth something. “Well even if things aren’t perfect, at least I got to do this.” And THIS was the Long Trail. This hike has been the apple in front of the cart for MONTHS, now. I’ve been planning this trip, and counting on this trip, for well over six months at this point.

I will say this. I have been OVERWHELMED by support by my friends and family these last few days. Since my last post, more than a few of you have reached out to join me, or just shout encouragement (and offer edible arrangements) for the trail heads. I have spent more than my share fair of time weeping from the love and imagining the feeling of the finish line. So, thank you. In this time that feels really confusing and uncertain, I have felt a lot of love and support, and I really truly appreciate it. It seems a little ridiculous…”Come on, just go home for a few weeks a shut up already!” But it’s so much bigger than that. There are some real fears and challenges being faced here, and the words of encouragement go a long way.

The plan for tomorrow was to hit the trail with Clint. I’m going to talk about it with the kids again in the morning and we’ll go from there. I’m actually really looking forward to getting back into the mountains- and when Ty asked me to wait a few days, there was definitely a pang of…not disappointment…but of something.

I’m attaching some pics from my amazing day, and also some really great reminders from the trail.

Happy sleep,

Ladybug 🐞