I went to a dark place last night and today. I crashed hard last night, slept through the rain and thunder and lightning- and I haven’t slept like that since I’ve been out here. But I woke up this morning a blubbering mess- not wanting to get out of my sleeping bag, scratching at all my bites, not wanting to move a muscle- but knowing that I had to. I packed down my campsite in tears, and started my hike in tears, as well. It was the first time I’ve been thankful for the solitude of the trail.

There is a reason people take rest days- and the above woe-is-me tale is one of them. Julia and I did not plan for rest days, and that was definitely a downfall. I don’t know what we were thinking when we imagined we could just push through for these four weeks. So, as one does when one is completely defeated and broken, I scoured the map for the closest route from which to evac, and I vowed to never hike again.

There are a lot of reasons that I started this hike, but being alone and being without my family, were not any of those reasons. And yet here I was, feeling super alone and missing my family.

I texted Julia to get her to pick me up, and it turned out she was already waiting for me at the trailhead with coffee and muffins (#awesome). I told her I needed a few days off and she told me she understood. I still had four miles to hike, and I was super slow paced this morning. But knowing that she was there, and that I could, in fact, take a few days off, suddenly lifted my spirits. I started to think that maybe I could finish this on my own, and that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. Maybe I wouldn’t have to give up on this.

Once I knew I had the chance for a rest day (and a shower, because I literally HATED my own smell), my mood brightened. Then I walked into this beautiful evergreen forest. If you know anything about me, being able to walk through an evergreen forest and smell the pines is literally one of my favorite things about being alive. Nothing brings me more solace. I felt rejuvenated and happy, once again, that I was out there. There was an incredible rock garden and waterfalls- it was a lovely 7 mile hike out to a friend, some coffee, and muffins.

I’m writing this post from my bedroom. I have showered (thank God), and covered myself in steroid cream for the bites. I keep singing that John Mayer song, “your body’s a wonderland…”, except I am instead singing, “your body’s a minefield…”. My body is a complete minefield. I am covered in black fly bites and bruises and blood- it’s awful.

So I’m dressed and about to do some laundry. I’m having a glass of wine. And I’m soon going to take myself out for some beloved Sabai Sabai. And then I’m going to look at the map and figure out what I’m going to do for the rest of this hike. I went into this knowing I’d have one of my dearest friends alongside for the ride, and now I have to get into the headspace of finishing it on my own. I could not find that mindset out on the trail.

I hope to be back out on the trail by Monday, and to be out for a few days before we have to go to Maine. I’m going to reach out to a few friends to join me for a few miles, or for a night at a shelter (hoping they’ll cook something delicious for me), because hiking is something I love to share. I love being in the woods and laughing and having deep conversations- and it’s hard to do that on my own. So if you’re reading this, and interested in joining, let me know! But for now, I’m really going to soak up this rest (and wine…and pad see ew…).

Happy rest,

🐞